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Weapons Have Rights, Too


“Our weapons are nothing if not patient,” said the Israeli Military Civil Coordinator for the Israeli Military Commander for Civil Administration of Military Affairs for Civilians in the West Bank AKA Judea & Samaria (IMCCIMCCAMACWBAKAJS).  “Would you believe that they have been waiting since 1999 to move into this area?”
He was referring to the area where eight Palestinian villages have been ordered demolished.  “The area will be used for military training exercises for as long as needed, and if the past is prologue, then converted to Jewish housing, or industrial zones where zoning and toxic waste disposal and worker safety are not obstacles to progress, and where the evicted villagers will find employment, thus benefiting everyone.”

According to a senior deputy state prosecutor, the Palestinian villagers have been violating the rights of the military to fire its weapons freely in the area.  “Of course we have the right to use live fire, anyway, and occasionally we have, but our humanitarian impulse is to avoid unnecessary risk to these squatters.  We would much prefer to expel them.”

“We also would prefer not to risk letting weapons fall into the hands of these civilians.  We can’t have civilians becoming armed, unless they’re Jewish, of course.  And the military has the unfortunate habit of leaving its weapons around where anyone can get their hands on them.  In addition, we don’t want them to see our methods of killing and maiming people.  This is highly confidential, and we never allow Palestinians to see such things.”

The state’s case for eviction of the Palestinian population rests on the argument that they have no permanent residence in the villages and that there are few if any permanent structures.  Asked what constitutes permanent residence the IMCCIMCCAMACWBAKAJS responded, “It means they stay there all the time, of course.  All except a few of the smallest children have been outside these villages at least once in their life.”

As to why they have so few permanent structures, he explained, “Because we demolished them.  We can’t have them creating facts on the ground.  These people are squatters.  They and their families have been squatting on the land for almost 200 years.  How long are we expected to be tolerant?  Where would we be if we allowed people to build unauthorized outposts?  Those outposts might become legal settlements, and then we would have to find other reasons to drive them out.  Better for all of us to take care of the matter as expeditiously as possible, and preferably while people are distracted by events in Syria and the Olympics in London.”

3 Responses to Weapons Have Rights, Too

  1. who_me July 25, 2012 at 10:12 pm #

    this would have been a good defense for the legal team of anders behring breivik to have used. 😉

    • Ariadna Theokopoulos July 25, 2012 at 10:33 pm #

      Let’s try to imagine the reverse. Say, Israel is dismantled and the International Crime Tribunal is putting the Israeli war criminals on trial: could they ALL use Breivik’s defense and claim insanity? ALL?
      People often comment on despicable murderers and such: “Why, he MUST have been insane; no normal person could do that.”
      So perhaps they could.

  2. who_me July 26, 2012 at 8:15 am #

    in the torygraph, no less :p

    Amnesty International’s latest arms trade campaign is colonialism with a kindly face

    “If you needed any further proof that Amnesty International is to the 21st century what rum-swigging bearers of the White Man’s Burden were to the 19th, look no further than its current campaign for a global arms trade treaty. Amnesty is basically agitating for the West, which it considers civilised and responsible, to prevent the rest, or what Amnesty euphemistically refers to as the “wrong” people, from getting their hands on guns and bombs. It is a call for a colonial-style carve-up of the world, between those judged decent and grown-up enough not only to own guns but also to determine who else may own them (us), and those judged too infantile and brutal to be let anywhere near a gun lest they unleash “the worst kind of atrocities” (them)….Political conflicts need political solutions, not white-skinned do-gooders in Gap jackets decreeing which Johnny Foreigners may be armed and which may not. It is more than a hundred years since Kipling, in his poem The White Man’s Burden, described certain foreign peoples as “half devil and half child”. How depressing that groups like Amnesty still cleave to such an outlook.”

    people are tired of the jp/fascist colonialism.