Rome, July 3, 2012.—Attacks by the Vatican Swiss Guards invading homes in the vicinity of Castel Sant ‘Angelo after midnight yesterday have left scores of Italians dead and many others unaccounted for. While a stunned Italian citizenry awaits the press conference announced by Palazo Quirinale for this evening, reporters from all international press agencies are interviewing eyewitnesses being treated at Ospedale Maggiore for shock and injuries.
“I thought it was a nightmare,” said Mario Viminale, a 40-year-old shoe salesman who lives on the ground floor in a building just across from The Castel Sant’Angelo bridge. “There is this tall, blond guy dressed up like a Swiss Guard pulling me out of bed and shouting at me in Latin. I thought it was one of those dreams in which you are taking an exam and can’t even understand the question. My Latin is pretty much limited to Pace vobiscum so I couldn’t understand what he was shouting except that he kept repeating Imperium Domini Fides (The Empire of God’s Faith). I said:
Va bene, va bene, IDF, I got that, but what do you want with us?
Ilaria, my wife, who sleeps in the living room because I snore, came up from behind him and started hitting him with a frying pan shouting : “ Ladrone! Ti mando in galera! Cornuto!” which distracted him, so I opened the window and jumped out.
I ran all the way as I was, barfeoot and in my pajamas, to the Carabinieri station near the Mella Stregata coffee shop but I couldn’t talk to anybody. It was a madhouse. Like war but less orderly.
Maria Piacenza, a 25-year-old barista being treated for a broken foot, cries quietly. “No, I wasn’t at home last night. I stayed at my sister’s in Trastevere because she is expecting, but this morning when I tried to return home I couldn’t find my house.” In-between sobs she adds: “It had been demolished. I broke my foot trying to walk in the rubble. There was only one wall left standing and they had spray painted graffiti on it: “The Pope was here” and “Sono porci questi Romani.”
[Editor’s note, “The Romans Are Pigs,” an ironic translation of the acronym, SPQR, Senatus Populusque Romanum, used by the Roman municipality as its seal.)
La Stampa and Coriere dela Sera both have editorials along the same lines:
Why did we allow it to happen? We should have seen it coming. It is true that it was in the offing.
The oficial Vatican organ, L’Osservatore Romano, has been publishing incendiary editorials that raised eyebrows for quite some time now, claiming the Vatican needs more land to ensure its security, citing the menacing aggressiveness not only of marauding foreign tourists but also of Italians, whom they accuse of trying to delegitimize the Vatican with stories of pedophilia and trying to spread their contraceptive and divorce paganism all over the world.
Citing the disfigurement of Michelangelo’s Pietá statue by an atheist vandal and the rubbing of Saint Paul’s foot by the pretend faithful into a pitiful stump, the Vatican insists on its increased security needs. Complaining about centuries of persection and oppression ever since the Reformation, and citing their God-given right to the land where Christians were killed for sport and St Peter is buried, the vaticanists have advanced the agenda of Greater Vatican.
The most recent editorial, published on the eve of the attack, asked the oft-repeated vaticanist question: “Why can we not have a defensible state of our own? The “Italians,” came here after we had made the pagan and ugly land beautiful, they are an invented nation concocted by extremists like Garibaldi. They have the whole “boot,” Sicily, Calabria and also a part of Switzerland. Let them go there. Why don’t their divorce-loving brothers give them shelter? This is the state of vaticanists world-wide and we intend to defend it, for which we need more space and the strategic position of the Coli Albani.” The Albani Hills that surround Rome have become a battle cry for vaticanists: “Grab all the hilltops you can!”
It is expected that The Quirinale press conference tonight will contain an official request for help from the European Community, the UN, and even NATO. In the chaos of panick the city is full of rumors: has the Vatican developed bacteriological WMDs in the long-suspected labs down in the the mysterious dungeaons, underneath the Musei Vaticani and perhaps stretching further into the ancient catacombs? Why don’t they ever allow inspections of the underground tunnels? How many Romans have been abducted by the IDF Swiss Guards and where are they being kept?
Reactions from abroad have been mixed. The State Departmant refused to condemn the vaticanist attacks outright saying it is too early to tell, more time is needed, and reiterating that the US supports peaceful dialog without preconditions.
In a press release Cameron repeated for the most part the State Department’s position but, staking a rather independent stance for the UK, diverged from the American statement by changing all the “or” word endings to “our“ and “ize” to “ise.”
At the press conference in Moscow, Lavrov responded to the reporters’ question about Russia’s position by a citing a Russian folk tale about a wolf, a bear and a rabbit.
South America has been silent on the issue so far, primarily because the national selections for the Latin America Football Cup are vividly disputed, and Lionel Messi is being seen more and more as an “assist guy” than a scorer. The exception is Cristina Kirchner of Argentina who gave a press conference commenting cryptically that the Malvinas belong to Argentina.
Chavez’ silence so far is interpreted by some as ambivalence towards the Vatican due to his perceived conflict of interest, i.e., being a supplicant who has made pleas for intercession by Vatican-related higher authorities for a cure for his serious illness.
In the meantime the victims of Vatican’s aggression have erected tents on both sides of the Tiber still unoccupied by the IDF, and are trying to manage everyday life as best they can in what may be a very long wait for justice.