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The Budding US – al-Qaeda Reconciliation

The US and al-Qaeda find themselves on the same side again. Ayman al-Zawarhiri, the top leader of al-Qaeda has issued a call for a religious war against Syria, as has Hilary Clinton, the US Secretary of State. I caught up with them at an undisclosed high security location where the food is kosher and the hosts are supportive of regime change in Syria.


Ayman al-Zawarhir & Hilary Clinton

“Ayman, how are you!” proclaimed Hilary. “It’s been a long time since I’ve shaken the hand of an al-Qaeda leader.”

“Sorry to disappoint both of us, Hilary,” said Ayman, “but my brand of Islam doesn’t let me shake hands with you. Nevertheless, it reminds me of the old days when we were fighting Russians together.”

“Think nothing of it, Ayman. Actually, there are lots of folks that prefer not to shake hands with me these days. And many of them are not even Muslim. As for fighting the Russians, you’re right; it’s looking more and more like the old days.”

“As much as I enjoy reminiscing, Hilary, I have to ask you where you stand. As you know, we support Islamic revolution, and as far as I know you’ve never been a big fan of that. Where is this relationship going?”

“I know it seems strange, Ayman, but our thinking has evolved on the Islamic movement. The Saudis have been our allies for a long time, and now the Muslim Brotherhood has shown that it is willing to play ball with us and Israel, too. After all, we’re all on the same side, along with Qatar and Turkey. We can get used to the idea. For us it’s less important to defend Christians and other minorities, women’s rights and a secular state than to crush opposition to our will. Some opposition is OK, as long as it’s weak. But now we have a chance to break the alliance between Iran, Syria and Hezbollah, and with your help we will accomplish it, insha’Allah.”

“That’s music to my ears – Quran inspired music, of course. We’re happy to help stamp out apostasy and secular government, so that works for us. But part of our long-term goal is also to weaken and bring down decadent western imperial regimes like the US and European governments. How are you and I going to reconcile that?”

“Don’t worry, Ayman. I was expecting this, and I think you’ll be pleased. Our society is already collapsing due to our own greed, as you have been predicting for so long. Barack and I and all the others work for the greediest among them, and in the unlikely event of a Romney victory in November, we will collapse even faster. Our job is therefore to assure that those who are profiting from the collapse will be taken care of.

“So you do our bidding and we’ll do yours. And by the way, when we’re gone, the Israelis may probably still be around to work with you. You know that you would be nowhere without them. Right?”

10 Responses to The Budding US – al-Qaeda Reconciliation

  1. Jonathon Blakeley July 10, 2012 at 2:05 pm #

    How very absurd… the mere suggestion that the USA would third party out its terrorist acts to foreign agents in order to cover its tracks.

    Next you will be telling us that 9/11 was not done by Arabs with box cutters. ;-S

    • Ariadna Theokopoulos July 10, 2012 at 2:37 pm #

      Yes, it was: 19 minus 5 = 14 plus ONE

      • Jay Knott July 11, 2012 at 12:18 pm #

        Brilliant arguments, Barb, Jonathon and Ariadna. You’ve demolished the official story of 9/11 just as surely as Mossad demolished the twin towers.

        • Jonathon Blakeley July 11, 2012 at 12:43 pm #

          Did you see the emoticon ;-S it is for sarcasm. There was no argument i was making. I never said Mossad did anything.

        • Ariadna Theokopoulos July 11, 2012 at 1:27 pm #

          No, those were not “arguments” and no, I am not convinced it was the Mossad; more likely Shin Beth…

          • Jay Knott July 12, 2012 at 9:29 am #

            One should question the official view of Al Qaeda. Jason Burke’s book does. He argues against many myths of the war on terror. However, he also produces shitloads of evidence that the atrocities attributed to Islamic fundamentalist terror groups were actually committed by them. For this to be false, the amount of fakery would have to be mind-bogglingly complicated. It’s one thing to say the FBI framed up so-and-so, or the CIA were duped into thinking such-and-such. It’s quite another to claim that many of these crimes, from WTC 1993, thru Nairobi and Dar-es-Salaam 1998, to WTC 2001, to the murder of Shi’ites in Iraq from 2003, and hundreds of others, were false flag operations by Mossad, or anyone else.

  2. etominusipi July 10, 2012 at 3:05 pm #

    Jonathon, i have the greatest respect for your views, but i feel here your tongue in cheek attitude may mislead others. the absurd eventualities you adumbrated should not even be mentioned or written down. experiments have shown that ideas such as this, even when presented for fun can have a deplorable effect on the mental stabilty of any exposed populations.

    let me reassure readers:

    fortunately, unlike feudal Britain, the USA has a well-thought out written constitution, which is honoured above all else in its political system. so there would be no chance of anything so remotely underhand as outsourcing terrorist activities, murdering people without trial, or attempting to undermine sovereign governments, obtaining the necessary congressional approval.

    you will find the US Congress is as independent-minded body of people as you will meet with anywhere in the world, and quite possibly beyond it. Americas Finest. I salute them.

    as for 9/11, you are safe there because all US citizens have by now signed a pledge that they believe in the boxcutting Arab martyrs to whom reputable historians rightly give the entire credit for “this appalling act of wanton destruction” (an apt and original phrase coined by Baron Silverstein in an electronic communication to His Almightiness the Netan of Yahoo).

    and, please, don’t get sidetracked by all these conspiracy nuts that nowadays infest the Web. they are mostly Mexican prostitutes, or homeless minors on drugs. squashing ’em like cockroaches ‘d be too good for them, i.m.a.o. they are of the tribes of the urban Amalekites of these Last Times.

    you mustn’t be fooled by a few isolated cases where apparent acts of terror have been initiated by aqents demonstrably on the payroll of the USG. these maverick CIA/FBI/ETC operatives have been turned (honeytrapped, usually) by the everpresent and ruthless agents of POSSAD (the espionage and security arm of the Palestinian Authority). the situation is under control. citizens should not get alarmed.

    being alarmed soon starts people behaving like suspects. before you know it, the hands of formerly decent folk are suddenly steeped in the bloody aftermath of their heinous crimes. we have no choice but to gun them down ruthlessly, for their own safety.

    and a word of advice, son. you don’t need to ask so many questions. that’s what the newspapers are there for. leave it to the experts, and devote more time to the exciting new world of eighth-generation hi-def leisuretime technology. you sure as hell won’t regret it.

  3. Jonathon Blakeley July 10, 2012 at 4:04 pm #

    This is the danger with Sarcasm, if you don’t get it just right people misunderstand it and take it as literal, it gets me into trouble often. I once lost a job for my sarcastic tone. Generally Brits understand dry wit and sarcasm but others countries often struggle.

    But I see from your comment that you too are infected with the sarcstic virus (living in Feudal UK its hard not to become so).

    POSSAD I love it, they certainly need something like that, perhaps they could get some Polonuim from the Ruskies and slip in some Humus and get it to Netanyahu. (not sarcasm)

  4. who_me July 10, 2012 at 5:52 pm #

    very nice piece.

  5. Ariadna Theokopoulos July 10, 2012 at 6:11 pm #

    I usually have the greatest respect for your views and posts but this time I was taken aback by one particular term you used:
    “Arab martyrs.”
    “Martyrs?!?” It shows how the massive anti-US and anti-Israel propaganda has infected our language to the point we don’t even realize we are using its deceiving words.