by Barb Weir
Tuesday, November 6th, 2012
Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu today called a press conference to announce that he would accept the position of U.S. President, which he hoped would end the acrimony and divisiveness of the Romney-Obama rivalry for the office. Following is a transcript:
Barb Weir: Mr. Netanyahu, how will your candidacy end the division? Won’t it just create more by adding another candidate to the field?
Netanyahu: Good question. Actually, both Obama and Romney have already offered their full support for me many times in the past, and I have received nothing but praise and support from both parties. I fully expect both candidates to withdraw and throw their support to me. Next question? Ms. Weir.
Barb Weir: Mr. Prime Minister, how are you going to reconcile your duties as prime minister of Israel with those as President of the United States?
Netanyahu: Please, Barb. Hillary Clinton, Joe Biden, Shimon Peres and uncountable other U.S. and Israeli leaders have repeatedly said that there is no difference between U.S. and Israeli policy. There’s nothing to reconcile; whatever we say is echoed in U.S. policy. Next question. Barb Weir, go ahead.
Barb Weir: But you are neither a Republican nor a Democrat. How are you going to work with Congress?
Netanyahu: Are you kidding? Did you see the twenty-nine standing ovations I got when I addressed Congress? They couldn’t stay in their seats! Both parties are totally behind me, and if I become president, I pledge to combine the two parties into a single Zionist party. They’re both Zionist anyway, and Joe Biden has publicly declared himself as such. Our U.S. lobby gets more than 90% approval votes in both houses of Congress for nearly every resolution that we introduce. Any more questions? Yes, Ms. Weir?
…if I become president, I pledge to combine the two parties into a single Zionist party.”
Barb Weir: So what will you do as president to address the issues facing Americans?
Netanyahu: I plan to attack Iran, dispossess the Palestinians from the rest of their land, annex the remaining territories occupied in 1967 (after removing the Palestinians), continue the Syrian fratricide for as long as possible, and increase aid to Israel.
Barb Weir: Excuse me, but aren’t those all Israeli issues?
Netanyahu: I didn’t call on you, but how are Israeli issues not U.S. issues? Don’t you think that’s all going to happen regardless of who is president? Besides, those policies are merely extensions of U.S. policy toward clearing its territory of Indians and then annexing it. Israel is just trying to emulate your success, and in hopefully less than two hundred years. Next question. Yes, Ms. Weir?
Barb Weir: Mr. Prime Minister, I notice that I’m the only reporter asking questions here. Why is that?
Netanyahu: The Israeli Press Office provides generous support for all journalists to whom it issues press credentials, including film, photographs, access to government figures and even writing their articles and reports. We also proofread everything that we don’t produce ourselves, to be sure that it contains no errors. Journalists come to these press conferences as a courtesy, but their reports have already been written for them. The U.S. has made some progress in developing such a system, but that’s another reason I should be president. We really have to get you a proper press credential, Barb.