Keeping undesirable Jews out of Israel

Israel denying entry to a Jew?  Is that possible? Are we talking about the Jewish state? The global haven for Jews? The one with the open doors and outstretched arms to Jews and only Jews? The news report said that Adam Shapiro, accompanying his pregnant wife, an Israeli citizen, to her home in Israel, had been turned away at the airport.

Granted, the Israeli citizen was Huwaida Arraf, co-founder of the pro-Palestinian International Solidarity Movement (ISM) and Adam had once acted as a human shield for Yasser Arafat.  But wasn’t Israel obligated by its founding principles to let all and only Jews enter simply by virtue of being Jewish?

I decided to investigate this anomaly, and reached the Czar of Aliyah (Jewish immigration) in the Ministry of the Ulterior, who agreed to speak on condition of anonymity.  Following is a transcript of our conversation.

Barb Weir:   Did you really deny entry to a Jew, Adam Shapiro?

Czar Aliyah:   Who said he is a Jew?

Barb Weir:   He doesn’t sound Italian.

Czar Aliyah:   It’s not the first time we have refused Aliyah to people who said they were Jews.  We have to keep undesirables out of Israel.

Barb Weir:   You mean criminal elements?  Arms traffickers, drug traffickers, human traffickers, organ traffickers, mobsters, money launderers, blood diamond merchants, hit men, fraudsters and sociopaths?

Czar Aliyah:   You must be joking!  You’re talking about the pillars of our economy and our society.  They are the pool from which we select our leadership, and they are also the natural constituency of our leadership, who provide instruction to our leaders.  The ones to watch out for are human rights activists.  Adam Shapiro has a long record of human rights activity.  He doesn’t even try to hide it.

Barb Weir:   But aren’t you obligated to accept Jews regardless?

Czar Aliyah:   There you go using that word again.  What is a Jew?  Who is a Jew?  We get to decide that.  I get to decide that.

Barb Weir:   And how do you decide?

Czar Aliyah:   Well, for one thing, no real Jew is a human rights activist except to other Jews.  Did you know that the Jewish Associations of North America raised millions of dollars for the victims of Operation Pillar of Cloud/Defense, meaning the families of the six Israelis killed, the three that had to temporarily find another place to live and the more than 200 that were treated for anxiety.

Barb Weir:   What about the Palestinian casualties?

Czar Aliyah:   I’m glad you brought that up.  Yes, we expect real Jews to help create Palestinian casualties.  That alone would disqualify Adam Shapiro.

Barb Weir:   But you have Jews in Israel that refuse to serve in the armed forces.  Some participate in nonviolent resistance to Israeli demolitions of Palestinian homes and confiscations of Palestinian land.  And there are plenty more in other countries that oppose Israel’s policies and sometimes even the existence of a Jewish state.

Czar Aliyah:   Look, Barb, my job is to keep such undesirables out of Israel, not to expel the ones that already have citizenship.  Some of them were born here.  It’s someone else’s job to expel Palestinians and other undesirables, although I have to say that I think I’m doing much better at my job than they are at theirs.

Posted by Barb Weir on March 8, 2013. Filed under Comedy,Human Rights,Israel,Satire. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.