Yesterday’s report in the Los Angeles Times about the U.S. plan to rid itself of uncomfortable allies in Syria illustrates once again that drones are the answer to almost any problem. This is because – except for tsunamis and volcanoes – people are almost always the problem, and drones (AKA Unmanned Aerial Vehicles or UAVs) are designed to eliminate them.
Haven’t you ever wished that someone didn’t exist? A drone is the answer. Remember, the U.S. constitution protects the right to bear drones (they are arms, you know), and we need to thank our own president for setting the example for their use. I wish I had had them in school to deal with a particular rabbi’s daughter that was always calling me a slut and pointing out that my family didn’t keep a kosher kitchen.
The proposed use in Syria is particularly inventive, because the idea is to eliminate some rebel allies rather than the government that the U.S. wants to overthrow. The U.S. has said that it would refrain from using its own weapons against the government, but it never gave that assurance to its allies.
The allies in question are al-Qaeda and its affiliates, which are doing a wonderful job on behalf of the U.S., Saudi Arabia and Israel by killing folks whose beards are not long enough, such as women and children. Despite performing this service, these fine fellows are not asking “how high?” when instructed to jump, which is a matter of concern to the U.S. Drones are therefore a way of keeping their numbers down and making space for others that are more willing to prove that Middle Eastern men can in fact jump.
Without drones, the problem might become more acute, because Saudi Arabia has been shipping ever larger numbers of volunteers from its prisons and torture chambers to Syria, provided that these stalwart individuals have close family members that remain in the tender care of Saudi protection. The U.S. drones are therefore a means of preventing overpopulation of these allies while assuring that there are enough of them to continue killing the Syrian population and occupying Syrian government forces.
This is very popular with the Saudi government and other members of the Gulf Cooperation Council, like Israel. It allows them to appear to support Islamic militant movements while ridding themselves of elements that would almost certainly want to end corruption and privilege, which everyone agrees is necessary for modern democratic societies like the GCC monarchies, Israel and the U.S.
Meanwhile, the drone manufacturers are very enthusiastic to show that their product is versatile, i.e. not just for spying on friend and foe, nor merely the killing of enemies, but for the destruction of inconvenient persons of any description. Brokers report that stocks of manufacturers like General Atomics, which specializes in drone manufacture, are increasing rapidly in value and that savvy investors are making a killing.