As unlikely as it may seem in the throes of an increasingly vicious national election, U.S. Republicans and Democrats appear to be in agreement on providing a major stimulant to the economy – the elections themselves. Now that corporations are properly recognized as people and money as free speech, the coffers of both parties are filled to overflowing.
I was having a drink with a corporation the other day, and she explained. (Disclosure: I had left my free speech in my other purse, so she paid the bill.) “Our new ability to spend as much as we want to buy elections means that this can be a major source of economic activity. This year’s election will hit a new record for campaign contributions, which translates into jobs for loyal campaign workers and income for a variety of friendly businesses and corporations, which then means more campaign contributions from the same folks.”
“But won’t that skew the elections?” I asked.
“Not at all,” she replied. “We corporations fund both parties. Believe me, you don’t want anyone getting into office who’s not beholden to you. And the campaigns will spend billions letting the people decide which of our chosen candidates gets elected. It’s a great American democratic tradition. But that’s not all. We managed to bring Republicans and Democrats together on a budget agreement, as well.”
“Sounds like a miracle. How is that possible?”
“The Republicans want to avoid new taxes while the Democrats want a bigger budget. As with everything else, corporations are the solution. We simply found a way for them both to have their cake and eat it, too.
“The answer was for the government to offer naming rights to government agencies, the same as sports stadiums. This will provide a major new source of income. We are looking forward to the Lockheed Martin Department of Defense, the Monsanto Department of Agriculture, the Clear Channel Federal Communications Commission, the Goldman, Sachs Treasury Department and Securities and Exchange Commission, the International Pancake House of Representatives and many more. The possibilities are endless.
“In fact, we believe that this solution may be applicable to many other needs in our society. Already, some enterprising individuals are offering advertising space on their cars and houses. Tatoos are an untapped display system, as are personal names. I’ve always wanted to name my kid Ace Hardware, but then, I’m a corporation.
“The point is that there are imaginative ways that needy folks and institutions can sell themselves to corporations. Do you know how many churches are barely getting by? Corporations can help, and with the new names, the worship services will more accurately reflect our society’s priorities.”