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Corporations Broker Historic Republican/Democrat Compromise to Boost U.S. Economy

As unlikely as it may seem in the throes of an increasingly vicious national election, U.S. Republicans and Democrats appear to be in agreement on providing a major stimulant to the economy – the elections themselves. Now that corporations are properly recognized as people and money as free speech, the coffers of both parties are filled to overflowing.

I was having a drink with a corporation the other day, and she explained. (Disclosure: I had left my free speech in my other purse, so she paid the bill.) “Our new ability to spend as much as we want to buy elections means that this can be a major source of economic activity. This year’s election will hit a new record for campaign contributions, which translates into jobs for loyal campaign workers and income for a variety of friendly businesses and corporations, which then means more campaign contributions from the same folks.”

“But won’t that skew the elections?” I asked.

“Not at all,” she replied. “We corporations fund both parties. Believe me, you don’t want anyone getting into office who’s not beholden to you. And the campaigns will spend billions letting the people decide which of our chosen candidates gets elected. It’s a great American democratic tradition. But that’s not all. We managed to bring Republicans and Democrats together on a budget agreement, as well.”

“Sounds like a miracle. How is that possible?”

“The Republicans want to avoid new taxes while the Democrats want a bigger budget. As with everything else, corporations are the solution. We simply found a way for them both to have their cake and eat it, too.

“The answer was for the government to offer naming rights to government agencies, the same as sports stadiums. This will provide a major new source of income. We are looking forward to the Lockheed Martin Department of Defense, the Monsanto Department of Agriculture, the Clear Channel Federal Communications Commission, the Goldman, Sachs Treasury Department and Securities and Exchange Commission, the International Pancake House of Representatives and many more. The possibilities are endless.

“In fact, we believe that this solution may be applicable to many other needs in our society. Already, some enterprising individuals are offering advertising space on their cars and houses. Tatoos are an untapped display system, as are personal names. I’ve always wanted to name my kid Ace Hardware, but then, I’m a corporation.

“The point is that there are imaginative ways that needy folks and institutions can sell themselves to corporations. Do you know how many churches are barely getting by? Corporations can help, and with the new names, the worship services will more accurately reflect our society’s priorities.”


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3 Responses to Corporations Broker Historic Republican/Democrat Compromise to Boost U.S. Economy

  1. Ariadna Theokopoulos August 9, 2012 at 8:23 pm #

    Lucky you, Barb, to have friends that give you access to such top-notch info and lucky us that you believe in the Reaganesque trickle down and share with us. My friends are no-account bums who know nothing so I have only my intuition to rely on.
    My intuition tells me that as wonderful as this compromise is, it is not all that rare. I believe that when it comes to what really matters to the American people the two parties set their differences aside, no matter how real and great, and come together like patriots — e.g., saving the banks that were too big to fail or ensuring the security of Israel at all costs.
    As for the naming rights, brilliant idea and a true testimony tot he American free enterprise and ingenuity. They are all good names but if it were up to me I’d think of Nevada, a state that is suffering more than most with the economic downturn. I’d give it a boost: I’d name the House and Senate something like The Stallion ranch and B.U.M.P.–these are real business (look them up) that have gone flaccid.

  2. Deadbeat August 9, 2012 at 11:39 pm #

    While such parodies has its place in the amusement department, these kinds of articles actually reinforce the bogus notion of “corporatism”. This is the latest “catch-phrase” serving the agendas of both the pseudo-Left and the pro-Capitalist Right.

    The agenda of the pro-Capitalist Right is quite obvious. They desire to shift the blame to “corporations” and to ward off critiques of Capitalism. Corporations are merely an organizational form within the Capitalist system. By focusing on the form diverts analysis from the system.

    The pseudo-Left’s use of “corporatism” is their agenda of evasion and diverting attention from Jewish power. As Ariadna writes … the two parties set their differences aside, no matter how real and great, and come together like patriots — e.g., saving the banks that were too big to fail or ensuring the security of Israel at all costs.

    Thus “corporatism” is a deceptive cliche that disarms the struggle against both Capitalism and Zionism.

    • Ariadna Theokopoulos August 10, 2012 at 6:45 am #

      You are correct, of course, deadbeat. Nevertheless this satire did not aim to posit corporations as the cause/agent/root of what is deeply rotten in the system rather than a symptom of it. In my opinion it lampoons, rather successfully I might add, the circus of the quadrennial elections, the partnership of Money and Power and the changing costume party of the twin political parties. It does not address ZPC, which does not mean it makes anyone forget its omnipresent and domineering existence.