Congressman Todd Akin: I was raped and did not become pregnant

Congressman Todd Akin of Missouri fueled the flames of controversy about his statements on “legitimate rape” when he revealed to this reporter that he was himself a victim of rape and had not become pregnant. “The criticism that I am ignorant about rape and its consequences is totally unfounded,” he declared.

I was raped and did not become pregnant, and that is why I am more qualified than most to speak to this issue.”

I spoke to him at his Foundation for Legitimate Rape Victims.

BW: Congressman Akin, this is an astonishing development. Why didn’t you tell us before?

TA: As you know, Barb, rape victims are sometimes reluctant to come forward, but I finally decided that it was time for me to do so. I want everyone to know that I am in a unique position to understand and sympathize with rape victims and that I understand the consequences.

BW: So what is this “unique position”?

TA: Prone, of course. It’s painful enough without trying something creative.

BW: No, no. Your position on the issue.

TA: As I said before, cases of legitimate rape rarely result in pregnancy. After I was raped, I immediately went to a doctor, and he assured me without even making any tests that I was in no danger of becoming pregnant. How would he know that if there were even the slightest possibility that rape might result in pregnancy?

BW: Then what distinguishes legitimate rape from illegitimate rape and why can pregnancy result from illegitimate rape but not from legitimate rape?

TA: Legitimate rape almost never takes place when the rapee is fertile. The doctor told me that I was not fertile, which is why there was no chance of becoming pregnant. Illegitimate rapes occur when the person is fertile but not sufficiently traumatized to spontaneously abort. People who fail to go into shock and convulsions when raped might in fact become pregnant. However, if they are so insensitive to being raped, why should they not be forced to keep the child? This is what I call illegitimate rape.

BW: So you’re saying that fertile people who are legitimately raped will spontaneously abort?

TA: Yes, that’s right.

BW: Then why is this not a form of abortion, which you say that you oppose?

TA: You have to understand, Barb.  There’s legitimate abortion and illegitimate abortion.

Posted by Barb Weir on August 22, 2012. Filed under America,Comedy,Satire. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.