Footer Pages

Author Archive | Barb Weir

Obama speech

Draft of Obama Speech

The following, which was delivered to me by a confidential source, is an apparent draft of a speech to be delivered by U.S. President Barack Obama to the American people.  It is full of amendments and changes that I have not had time to remove, and it may be incomplete.  However, I publish it for […]

Continue Reading 1
Tomahawk launch a

Assad agrees to cooperate in “symbolic strike” against Syria

The Assad regime in Syria today agreed to cooperate in a “symbolic strike” against itself.  “We understand the need for the U.S. to maintain its prestige and credibility,” said a Syrian government official, on condition of anonymity, “and if bombing some unused installation in the middle of nowhere will make them feel better, we’re willing […]

Continue Reading 0
angry mob

Obama constituency overwhelmingly supports war with Syria

Despite a Reuters/Ipsos poll showing that only 9% of Americans support military intervention in Syria, the White House today assured the public that a more recent and reliable poll leaves no doubt that the President’s constituency favors war. The poll was conducted by Defense Industries Systems Information, Inc. (DIS Information).   It shows that 99.9% prefer […]

Continue Reading 1
Artist rendering of U.S. foreign policy

US vows retaliation for rebel chemical weapon use

  The United States today assured the world that the “red line” against chemical weapons use applies equally to both the Assad government in Syria and the rebel forces.  “We are not hypocrites,” said White House spokesperson Janus Touphaisse. “We have the same standards for everyone.” I met later with Mr. Touphaisse for further details. […]

Continue Reading 0
Peace Process

Netanyahu, Abbas agree to peace talks; listening doubtful

This reporter has gained exclusive access to the agreements between Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas and Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu that would allow the twenty-year old peace talks between Israel and the Palestinian Authority to resume.  The arrangements were brokered by U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry.  Here are some details: The talks will […]

Continue Reading 0
Samantha Power completes her training programme

Samantha Power: Israel to replace US on Security Council

Samantha Power, President Barack Obama’s nominee to replace outgoing U.S. Ambassador to the United Nations, Susan Rice, has promised to push for a UN Security Council seat for Israel. (Loyalty to Israel is considered a prerequisite for high office, and creative ways of advancing Israel’s agenda are often rewarded with career advancement.) “The United States […]

Continue Reading 5
Snowden CIA

“Snowden still working for us” says CIA

Reliable sources in the ICU section of the CIA confirmed to this reporter that whistle-blower Edward Snowden is “still working for us” and “doing a great job.” My puzzlement elicited further explanation.  “We have more than a million people involved in some kind of surveillance.  It was bound to become public at some time, so […]

Continue Reading 0
palin peace

Sarah Palin urges non-intervention and caution in Syria

Former U.S. Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin encouraged moderation and caution with respect to U.S. intervention in Syria, and denounced U.S. President Barack Obama for heeding former President Bill Clinton, former Defense Secretary Leon Panetta, former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and other extremist voices urging military escalation.  Palin also made a point of showing […]

Continue Reading 0
Christian terror strikes Norway

Non-Muslims worry about backlash following attack by non-Muslim

Note from Barb Weir:  The following is a “guest” piece from another budding journalist, Per Voerstinker.  I hope to receive more from this writer. Following the brutal murder of a Pakistani British man in London, the internet abounds with fears of backlash against the non-Muslim community. Shared through Twitter and Facebook, non-Muslims throughout the world […]

Continue Reading 0
ExxonMobil Spokesperson Patrick "Mr. Exxon" Mcginn extolls the virtues of the Mayflower, Arkansas oil spill in the US

ExxonMobil assures oil spill will actually help water, fish and birds

An ExxonMobil Spokesman, Patrick Mcginn, met with reporters at a press conference today to respond to questions about the oil spill in Mayflower, Arkansas.  Asked what position he held in the company, Mr. McGinn responded, “Spokesman”. “Of course you’re the spokesperson,” responded the reporter, “but what is your actual position, so that we may know […]

Continue Reading 0
Cardiac arrest

Israel: Never mind the bleeding, it was cardiac arrest

According to Israeli authorities, 30-year-old Palestinian prisoner Arafat Jaradat died of cardiac arrest five days after being arrested on February 18, 2013. Because of doubts, however, I asked to interview the prison medical examiner who had listed the cause of death. “Of course,” replied the Press Officer, “just be sure to pass through the Israeli […]

Continue Reading 2
Heads up

Drones kill more people with fewer casualties

U.S. Senator Lindsey Graham, who is a member of the Senate Select Committee on Intelligence, revealed to a North Carolina Rotary Club last Thursday that CIA drones had achieved 4700 targeted assassinations (to use the Israeli term), mostly in the last few years. His office was not answering inquiries, perhaps because the figures are considered […]

Continue Reading 0
child patent 1

Monsanto seeks patent on child

Biotechnology giant Monsanto Corporation announced today that it is seeking a patent on one of its research employee’s children. “If the patent is granted,” said Monsanto attorney Seth “Kendall” Waxman”, “this organism cannot be used for further reproduction without Monsanto permission – usually in return for a royalty fee negotiated with the customer.  In fact, […]

Continue Reading 0
Bob Simon extolls the virtues of Israel's Iron Dome weapons system.

Bob Simon brings peace to the Middle East

60 Minutes reporter Bob Simon waxed lyrical about Israel’s Iron Dome weapons system.  “…a technological marvel, a cutting-edge weapon of war that even some pacifists might come to love. Instead of killing people, Iron Dome saves them.” “Will Israel’s ‘Iron Dome’ help bring peace?” asked the 60 Minutes website approvingly. With this in mind, Simon […]

Continue Reading 6
Netanyahu 6a

Netanyahu: Please trust your friendly security agents

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu today defended his country’s security agencies against public outcry over the death of a Jewish Israeli, himself  a security agent in the Mossad spy agency, who hanged himself in 2010 in a maximum security prison where he was being held in secret.  It is not considered unusual for Palestinian prisoners […]

Continue Reading 6
Pope resignation

Were the Pope and His Boss not Getting Along?

According to the Vatican, Pope Benedict XVI resigned for health reasons. However, this reporter has learned that there may be more to the story. Traditionally, the Pope and his Immediate Superior have shared authority, with infallibility being assigned to His Holiness while omniscience and omnipotence remained in the hands of The Almighty. Of late, however, […]

Continue Reading 2
Presidential-Drone-Hit3

Video Game Review: Presidential Drone Hit List

Summary Presidential Drone Hit List makes you work to find the people you’re supposed to kill, but the job of doing so is relatively easy and without risk. The Good Large variety of targets and theatres of operation Multiple tasks: gather intelligence, identify potential targets, get approval, assassinate Quick learning curve; doesn’t require nearly the […]

Continue Reading 0
Syrian air force

Syrian Aircraft Attack U.S. Naval Station in Norfolk, Virginia

U.S. government spokespersons today confirmed an attack by Syrian aircraft on the U.S. Naval Station in Norfolk, Virginia. The target appeared to be a shipment of Patriot surface-to-air missiles intended for Israel. Syrian officials neither confirmed nor denied responsibility, but had previously stated that the installation of weapons in Israel that might endanger their reconnaissance […]

Continue Reading 3
Buy-Now-Pay-Later

We need more debt!

My cousin Penin Diaz, a used car salesman, claims to have found the solution to stimulating the economy, ending the home foreclosure crisis and reducing unemployment (or at least the loss of income due to unemployment).  I unfortunately owe him a favor for marrying my sister, so I agreed to publish the following interview with […]

Continue Reading 4
Israeli Captain Ramit Dan-Dertroht arrests a 1-year-old Palestinian Terrorist in the south Hebron hills

Israeli Forces Arrest 1-year-old Palestinian Terrorist

Alert Israeli forces yesterday thwarted a potential terrorist attack by a 1-year-old Palestinian.  The terrorist, Qamar Awad, was among nineteen arrested on land in the south Hebron hills that is in the process of being liberated from Palestinians.  I spoke to the Israeli commander of the operation, Captain Ramit Dan-Dertroht.   Barb Weir:            Captain Dan-Dertroht, […]

Continue Reading 24
Corporate demo

U.S. Presidential Inauguration is for Corporations, not Unemployed

The U.S. National Park Service has denied a permit to the ANSWER Coalition for a demonstration in support of the unemployed in Freedom Plaza during the Presidential Inauguration on January 21, 2013 in Washington, D.C. Instead, the space will be reserved for guests of the Presidential Inauguration Committee, which are mainly wealthy corporations and campaign […]

Continue Reading 3
NRA Gaza Office

NRA Opens Gaza Chapter

The National Rifle Association announced today the opening of its new chapter in the Palestinian Gaza Strip. Wayne LePire, NRA Executionary Vice President, said the establishment of an NRA chapter in Gaza was long overdue. “We hope to achieve for Palestinians the same right that we enjoy as Americans to accumulate our own personal arsenals […]

Continue Reading 5
Palestinians erect the Bab al-Shams settlement on confiscated Palestinian territory

“Palestinian settlements are an obstacle to peace,” declares Netanyahu

  Israel Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu today denounced the establishment of a new Palestinian settlement in the area that Israel calls E1.  The Palestinians are calling the new neighborhood Bab al-Shams (“Gate of the Sun”). “This settlement and all Palestinian settlements are an obstacle to peace,” said Netanyahu in a prepared statement.  “Building settlements on […]

Continue Reading 3
Censored

Israeli-occupied India Removes Threat of Free Speech

Thanks to the vigilance of its Israeli handlers, the world’s largest democracy staunchly repelled a foreigner considered unfriendly to Israel, and therefore to India, as well. According to sources in New Delhi, Israeli intelligence services alerted their Indian counterparts that Dr. Paul Larudee was scheduled to speak at a Student Islamic Organization gathering in Kerala […]

Continue Reading 37
Koch Addiction

The Koch Addiction

It’s not every day that a U.S. Congressman wants to talk to a reporter about his addiction.  In keeping with his request for anonymity, however, I have deleted any references that might reveal his identity, and therefore refer to him in this report with a fictitious name, Congressman Boner. Barb Weir:           Congressman Boner, when did […]

Continue Reading 17
Israeli arms made in USA

Hamas: Weapons are being smuggled into Israel

The Hamas government in Gaza is charging that weapons are being smuggled into Israel. “We are doing our best to blockade Israel and prevent everything except low-nutrition food and minimal medical supplies from entering,” said spokesperson Jehad al-Muqawama “but regardless of our efforts, they are still getting dangerous weapons that are being used to attack […]

Continue Reading 9

Operation Pillar of Cloud: Jewish Federations Raise $5 million for Victims

Within days of the Israeli attack on Gaza, code named Pillar of Cloud (Hebrew) and Pillar of Defense (English), the Jewish Federations of North America announced that they had raised an astonishing $5 million for the victims. When I told some of the victims that I was going to interview Ms. Goldie Reichstein, Chair of […]

Continue Reading 6

Israel: Petraeus was unfaithful to us

This reporter has confirmed some of the suspicions that CIA Director David Petraeus’ infidelity went well beyond his dalliance with Paula Broadwell. One well-placed source confirmed that, “My God, if we had to sack everyone in the military and intelligence communities for sleeping around, we would be decimated! Petraeus must have done something much worse.” […]

Continue Reading 3

CRIF: décrire le sort palestinien = antisémitisme

« La Coalition pour un régime Israélien en France (CRIF[i]) déclare que toute représentation négative des conditions de vie palestinienne promeut l’antisémitisme et n’a aucun droit légitime d’être diffusé dans une république française du 21ième  siècle. » Voilà la réaction du président du CRIF, M. Richelieu Presque-Haï, à la chanson « Une vie de moins » qui décrit des […]

Continue Reading 8

Obama “best is yet to come” confirmed by projections for 3012

Social scientists working with computer models have confirmed U.S. President Barack Obama’s election night statement that, “…for the United States of America, the best is yet to come.” According to Waistov Goudmonet, leader of the research team, “Our models indicate that after the U.S. recovers from transfer of its wealth to international tycoons, corporations and […]

Continue Reading 2
Romney and Obama balloon

Obama and Romney Both Concede

This reporter has learned that the presidential candidates of the two major parties have both decided to concede the election. Since they had both prepared their speeches in advance and were waiting for Wheel of Fortune to finish, I was able to do a short interview with each of them via SMS text to their […]

Continue Reading 11
bibi for pres

Netanyahu Declares Candidacy for U.S. President

Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu today called a press conference to announce that he would accept the position of U.S. President, which he hoped would end the acrimony and divisiveness of the Romney-Obama rivalry for the office.  Following is a transcript: Netanyahu:     Thank you for coming today.  Because of the close ties between the […]

Continue Reading 7
Hamas Billboard

Bus Advert Tells U.S. Congress: Don’t Support Hamas

 The Los Angeles-based Israel advocacy group Stand With Us has begun running bus advertisements in San Francisco asking the U.S. Congress not to support the Palestinian resistance group Hamas.  According to spokesperson Dr. Macho Harass, the level of Congressional support for Hamas has reached alarming levels. “This all started when the U.S. and Israel provided […]

Continue Reading 15
Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas and Harvard Law Professor Alan Dershowitz.  Background: Dimona nuclear reactor.

Dershowitz Breaks Mideast Deadlock, Promises to Fix

  The Israeli daily newspaper Haaretz announced September 25, 2012, that Harvard law professor and Israel advocate Alan Dershowitz had broken the deadlock between Israel and the Palestinian Authority with a revolutionary new plan for a settlement freeze.  Details of the plan, however, indicate that the deadlock will be easy to repair. Dershowitz is admired […]

Continue Reading 3
Ehud Barak's latest offer of territory for a Palestinian state

Ehud Barak’s (latest) “Generous Offer” to the Palestinians

Israel’s current Defense Minister and former Prime Minister Ehud Barak was plainly anxious to see me. “You’ve got to get down here right away, Barb, or I’m going to give this story to someone else,” he said over the phone. “I’ve always said that resolution of the Israeli-Palestinian impasse requires imagination, and I think I’ve […]

Continue Reading 1
ryan-romney-fawkes cropped

Exclusive: Romney Embraces Anarchy

U.S. Republican Presidential Nominee Mitt Romney has been besieged with requests for clarification of his statements on video that 47% of Americans depend on government.  However, this journalist was able to reach him in the shower and force him to answer questions before giving him his towel, which resulted in a surprising revelation. Barb Weir:    […]

Continue Reading 7
HR 35 Assembly House Resolution - AMENDED

Exclusive Leaked Copy of Free Speech Reduction Guidelines

  The California State Assembly has created an important precedent in protecting students from excessive and dangerous free speech. HR-35, a resolution passed with Israel sympathizers in mind, aims to assure that campuses that still allow criticism will at least avoid offending such students with speech and information that might reflect negatively on Israel. Since […]

Continue Reading 9
Villaraigosa-jerusalem

U.S. Democratic Party Narrowly Avert Threat of Democracy

In a historic and unprecedented move, the U.S. Democratic Party asked the delegates at its 2012 national convention in Charlotte, North Carolina to use democratic procedures to approve a platform amendment.  At the last minute, however, they avoided the whim of popular will by creatively interpreting an evenly divided voice vote as a two-thirds majority […]

Continue Reading 19